This is What Me Writing an Essay Looks Like

This post was written while writing an essay for my American Literature course. Images and anything in brackets were added afterwards for clarity. The rest is full-grade I-shit-you-not serious.

Lime energy drink. Oh God mistake.

Blue energy drink. Much better.

Oh God the aftertaste. The aftertaste.

Water. Lots of water.

Revisiting one’s origins to discover oneself … I need to watch cartoons.

Pokemon! Gotta catch ‘em all!

Oh my God I am writing the wrong essay. Pokemon and Oscar Wao would’ve been brilliant.

Too late now. This is why I shouldn’t wait so long to write my essays.

The first season of Pokemon probably doesn’t count as American Lit. anyway.

The first season of Pokemon definitely doesn’t count as American Lit.

Okay that is the third time Milkman’s name became Ash Ketchum.

Pokemon is way better than I remember.

Also way worse.

I bet Junot Diaz (pictured right) is a cool guy.

Probably a bit of a dick though. No one reclines like that in the real world. Look at me, I’m cool and post-modern and bald!

I wonder if I can slip in the term bildungsroman without researching it.

If I wanted to be a clever asshole and risk getting skewered I’d put in one of those Diaz style footnotes and explain I know what bildungsroman means because as a twelve-year-old a doctorate student gave me a blistering criticism of my “Trite run-of-the-mill bildungsroman trash.” I was twelve.

And seriously, is that the best a goddamn postgrad student can muster? Against a twelve year old?

Probably wasn’t even a real postgrad student.

I mean seriously, I was a twelve year old writing about dragons.

Is that a Simpsons Christmas episode? Awesome!

Carol of the Bells is possibly the best Christmas song ever.

I wonder if anyone actually knows the lyrics to it.

I remember once I thought to myself “Only douchebags use words like limning and subverting and juxtaposing.” That thought has prevented me from using each of those words about three times each, thanks to some weird sense of loyalty to pastMatt. PastMatt was an idiot.

Third time I called Song of Solomon by Native Son. (Two novels we studied on the course).

Oh my God is it three thirty AM? I still have two paragraphs to write.

Better put in A New Hope. That’ll help me write.

Holy shit I love Star Wars.

“And these blasters, too inaccurate for Sand People. Only Imperial Storm Troopers can miss this damn badly.”

Maybe I just lack the capacity to be a woman, but Robert Pattinson does not seem attractive. I mean, I can look at a guy and say “That’s a good lookin’ fella.” But at the wrong angle ol’ Robert’s face looks like a foot. Particularly that pouty angle he’s always doing for Twilight.